Win or Lose 2016

I wrote this just before the Jefferson County recall election last year. It seems even more apropos this year, with a few adjustments:

Tuesday night, or maybe early Wednesday morning, we should know the outcomes of this election.  I wanted to revise this now, a public challenge to myself for which I can be held accountable, and to my fellow United States citizens.

This election will put many of us who have cared passionately about the outcome into one category or the other.  We will be winners or losers, and no matter which side we took, we will most likely believe that our whole country won or lost with us. Emotions will run deep.

Win or lose, I hope that we will remember that we are not each other’s enemies.  No matter what signs your neighbors had in their yards, no matter what words were exchanged face-to-face or on social media, we are family, friends, and neighbors.  Hard times will fall on all of us, and we will bring each other meals, care for each other’s children, watch out for each other.  We will bear loss and celebrate life together, because we are, in the end, human beings–flawed but loving, no matter whom we voted for.

Win or lose, we all truly do care about our country.

I’m human.  I’ll stumble.  Win or lose, I will be as tempted as anyone to feel smug and superior or angry and bitter.  I know I will.  But I resolve not to fall.  I intend to stop and remember the inherent worth, dignity, and humanity of everyone around me, even those I believe were wrong, or selfish, or lazy.  I will reach for humility and forgiveness. At least, I promise to start trying really hard no later than Thursday.  I’ll stumble.  I’m human.

Win or lose, I will never forget the amazing people I have met in the past two years of political activism around the issue of education.  Sure, I’ve seen some really ugly behavior on both sides of the 2016 presidential campaign, but my personal experience working for funding for my local public schools has been nothing but positive. Nothing can ever truly diminish my faith in my fellow human beings because in the past two elections, I have met hundreds of our species’ finest.

Win or lose, I will walk into school on Wednesday morning and be the teacher my students deserve. Whom their parents voted for will make no difference. May we all go to our jobs, and out on our neighborhood streets, and to family meals and begin the work of healing. And then, may we find the strength and the grace to reach beyond that, even. And then, maybe even listen to each other–really listen–and try to understand, and love each other.

Posted in Life, the Universe, and Everything | 1 Comment

Jeffco Mill Levy and Bond Issue

When Jefferson County Schools waged a battle to take its schools back from corporate reformers, I blogged about it ad nauseam. There was much to write about. First the public needed to be made aware that there was even an issue. Then we had to motivate teachers and community to fight for it. We fought like hell and won a major victory.

Now we have something new to work for. It’s not as sexy as rescuing children from those who had a political agenda rather than kids’ interests at heart, but for Jeffco now, it’s just as important.

We have a mill levy and bond issue on this November’s ballot. These are biggies, and they’re vital to Jeffco’s future—both in the form of our children and in our overall economic prosperity. Like the board issue, it is important for those of us in the know to talk to our friends and neighbors, and in the weeks to come, we’ll be back out pounding the pavement and knocking on doors to make sure everyone knows—Jeffco Schools are in dire need.

We know that Jeffco voters are very skeptical about new taxes, and it is certainly valid to want to know why we are asking for approximately an additional $4.25 per month per $100,000 assessed value from property owners.

First, you need to know that at our current funding levels, Jeffco must spend $1,449 less on each child than Denver. We spend $1,151 less than Boulder, and around $500 less per child than Cherry Creek and Littleton. Is this because our children deserve less? I don’t think so.

Jeffco pays teachers, on average, 19 percent less than surrounding school districts, making it possible for them to attract and retain the best and the brightest. Do we believe all our kids deserve is new teachers who are gaining experience, while other districts’ kids deserve the fruits of that experience when teachers leave us for better salaries? I certainly hope not.

I truly believe that even people who do not have kids in Jeffco Schools (and that’s 70 percent of our voters) care about the children who surround them. They want bright futures for all our kids.

But for the sake of argument, let’s pretend there are some folks out there who only care about money. According to, one study showed that people are willing to spend 20 percent more for a house in an area with good schools. A 20 percent return on your home’s value seems worth the very modest investment of this mill and bond.

If you want to know more about how the money will be spent, click here and read up.

Then do the right thing for our kids and our community and vote yes on 3A and 3B this November.

As always, feel free to share this.

Posted in Education | 1 Comment

Are You Sure It Was Rape?

One of the hard things this country has been doing, and I am proud of this country for doing, is pulling up carpets on issues and exposing what’s underneath. One issue we are slowly exposing is rape culture, and we have much work to do.

I and every other woman I know has either had direct experience with sexual assault or knows multiple women who have experienced it. One would hope we’d come a long way since my experiences in the 1970’s, when my own mother told me not to report because what I would be put through by the police and the courts would not be worth it, and I would probably lose. At the time, it would have been totally acceptable for them to question my sexual history, but even the fact that I had none would not have saved me. My clothes, my attitude, whether I had fought (though I was young and naïve enough to not fully understand what was even happening, much less fight)—all of these would be questioned, and I would most likely not be believed.

With the decision not to report came a great deal of regret and years of feeling guilty. My abuser went on to be in a position to abuse other girls. I have borne the weight of that responsibility my whole life—the fact that I was between the ages of 12 and 15 at the time notwithstanding.

But we have further to go, and now a young woman who means my whole life to me is facing this, and like the women and girls of my generation, not feeling like she could report it. Like me, until recently she wasn’t able to call her assault what it was, because even we women are taught to question ourselves. Now, there are acknowledgeably gray areas that can occur in sexual situations. I understand that. Given the mixed messages society gives both men and women about what constitutes consent, I asked her whether she thought her attacker could identify what he had done as rape, and she said no. Then I discovered all the details; I can tell you without the slightest doubt that she was assaulted by a predator who knew exactly what he was doing. He manipulated his way into her home, slapped her, and ignored her struggles, yet she could not bring herself to “accuse” him. In 2016, young women still believe they have somehow misunderstood when rapists willfully violate them.

Like my generation 40 years ago, she faces a legal system that does not automatically believe a woman who reports a rape. “Are you sure?” No one asks a mugging victim whether he is sure he didn’t voluntarily give up his wallet. No one finds out he gave money to another person—in a store, on the street, wherever—and then suggests that it was understandable that the mugger thought it would be okay to take this person’s money.

And you know, not all thefts are violent. Faced with a mugger who is clearly bigger and stronger and very demanding and intimidating, more than one person has handed over a wallet or purse without further threat or protest. No one says that crime can’t be prosecuted or even investigated. When someone is bilked of money, defrauded by a master manipulator, they often have legal recourse. No one tells them that, because they were conned by an expert before their money was taken, the conman wasn’t a criminal. Charles Ponzi went to jail. No one tells those victims they have no right to report the fraud. But we tell women who are conned into letting predators into the safety of their homes that what happened to them wasn’t really rape.

Remember, prosecution is not conviction. I’m not saying every man accused of rape must be punished. In America, we have a presumption of innocence, and that is important, but this does not require an immediate presumption that the accuser is lying or delusional, either. It means both are treated by their own side as if they are telling the truth, and the final determination is made through investigation and, when possible, in court. I have no doubt that people have been accused of stealing things when they were, in fact, willingly given the items in question, or who never had possession of the items at all. But how often is the victim of a mugging unsure he was even mugged because society tells him it’s ambiguous? After all, the mugging victim engages in voluntary exchanges involving money. How can he be so sure he was mugged? How often do we tell that victim that he shouldn’t “ruin the thief’s life” by reporting him?

People get away with all kinds of crimes: murder, burglary, embezzlement, you name it, because no justice system is perfect, and great care must be taken to try not to convict innocents. It’s entirely possible that a woman may report a rape and be believed, and the case may still not even go to trial. Sometimes that’s because of a system that secretly still blames the victim, but sometimes it’s just a genuine lack of evidence, as may occur in any other crime where the perpetrator goes unpunished. That happens. I get it. But many rapists get away with it over and over because their victims don’t report them, and how can we protect people if there are rapists getting away with it all the time? The National Institute of Justice reports that of the “rapes and sexual assaults perpetrated against women and girls in the United States between 1992 and 2000, only 36 percent of rapes, 34 percent of attempted rapes, and 26 percent of sexual assaults were reported.” Men under-report even more because there is this idea that they cannot be raped. It is wrong, of course, but who tells them that before it happens? Almost no one, I suspect.

How can this still be? Granted, more rapes are reported now than when I was in my teens and twenties, but do you know how that happened, according to the National Institute of Justice? Not from victims reporting it themselves. The initial increase in reports came from third party reporters like witnesses and family members. Somehow they knew they would be believed without blame, whereas the victim, herself, did not. Victims must be empowered to report, and that means their word should be as trusted as the word of anyone else who reports any other crime.

For those of you who worry that people will cry rape willy-nilly, the solution is readily available: explicit consent. “Is this okay?” “Hey, do you wanna…?” Then going no further without “yes.” I have begun teaching this in ACE, during the portion of the class where we talk about teen issues. I explain to the kids that the law is not as full of bright lines as they would like to believe. This is why we have a trial system. I tell them that, while reporting rape is not a guarantee of prosecution or conviction, all nonconsensual sex has the potential to end up in a rape conviction. Explicit consent protects both partners—from the pain of feeling violated and from the charge of rape where no rape was intended. For those who think this puts a damper on the mood, ask people in the BDSM community, where explicit consent is an absolute requirement. They seem to navigate it pretty well. (No, I’m not advocating BDSM for all; I’m saying they seem to have some pretty wild sex and still get in some version of “Do you wanna…?”)

Yes, indeed, America still has work to do. May my grandchildren’s generation be a safer one.

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Yes, More on White Privilege

I have vacillated between “there is enough blathering about race from people who haven’t really given it any thought, so there’s no need for me to add to the cacophony,” to “there is enough thoughtful commentary about race from thoughtful people, so there’s no need for me to add to the discussion,” to “maybe I have a different perspective than anything I’ve seen so far, so maybe I have something of value to add.”

Guess which won?

This is long, because the issue is complicated, but here’s the key idea: I teach at-risk students in a predominately White school, and this gives me a different perspective on things like privilege and “compliance” and things of that nature. I hope you’ll stick with me.

The alternative class I teach has support groups, and in those groups, kids talk about the issues they face in and out of school. Marijuana possession, alcohol possession, minor skirmishes with the law are not uncommon. Most of my students, regardless of race, are respectful to cops, but more of them are disrespectful than you might imagine. These students are, without exception, White. They frame their disrespect with “that cop had no right to…” Heck, it’s not even just the kids in the alternative class. I had a high-achieving White debater pull a pocket Constitution out of his pocket (I love debaters!) and lecture a cop about what he did and did not have the right to do.

My students of color think these White kids are crazy. When you’ve watched your father gunned down in front of you by cops (as two of my Latino students did) or your friends or siblings cuffed and thrown on the ground by police, you comply. Like one Black student said to his White peers in one of these conversations, “It doesn’t matter what a cop has the right to do. If he shoots you, you’re dead.” I should also mention, this conversation was years before Ferguson.

I know someone’s going to ask, were the cops justified in shooting the Latino kids’ father? I have no idea. They were very young at the time, so they don’t remember the particulars. They remember the trauma. He was a drug dealer, so it’s possible. I had a White kid who lived the first years of his life on the run from the cops with his parents who were criminals. His parents were apprehended in front of him in such a way that they both lived and it didn’t seem to stop him from being disrespectful of authority figures. These are anecdotes, not statistics, but I’m just sayin’.

It never occurs to my White students that a cop will shoot them. Never. Occurs. To. Them. Even the White kids who are respectful are just scared of getting in trouble. They’re not scared of getting beaten up or killed. My Black and Latino kids are afraid for their physical safety. I can’t seem to get a grip on trends for Asians. I’ve heard both points of view, and if the trend is identifiable at all, it comes from where they live—predominately White suburbs, no fear of cops; predominately mixed urban areas, fear. As far as I can tell, for Blacks and Latinos, it doesn’t matter where they live. Cops can beat you or kill you, so do what they say.

And that’s just a reflection of race in police interaction.

In my senior class, we read a graphic novel called American Born Chinese. It’s about how race and racism affect Asian students in predominately White America. Before we start, I have the kids talk about racial stereotypes. It’s Columbine, so my classes are mostly White, but they are more mixed than many other classes at the school. (The proportion of students of color being identified as “at-risk” in schools is its own piece of institutional racism.)

We list different races on the board and brainstorm. White jobs: doctor, lawyer, businessman, teacher etc. (This list is always, by far, the longest list. These are just a few of many similar jobs.) Black jobs: Cop, drug dealer, hair stylist, maybe a couple of other low-paying or criminal jobs. Latino jobs: Housekeeper, lawn maintenance, Mexican restaurant owner/worker. Asian jobs: Scientist, computer jobs, nail salon worker, Chinese restaurant owner. (The Mexican and Chinese assumption is part of the stereotype, despite the many Latino and Asian ethnicities that exist.) One year I had a Native American student point out that I hadn’t listed Native American. I put it on the board and kids had one answer: Casino owner/worker.

Keep in mind, kids of all races create these lists. The kids do tend to contribute mostly to stereotypes for their own groups, not others, for fear of “looking racist,” but in the end they all agree these are the stereotypes.

There is a lot of talking and joking during this activity. We list other kinds of stereotypes, not just jobs, but the next piece focuses there. I follow up by asking, “What if every Black child grew up in a world where it was assumed that he or she would be a doctor or a lawyer? What if every Latina or Latino was expected to be a scientist or corporate CEO? What if White kids grew up in a world where people assumed they would clean houses or mow lawns? No one would explicitly tell them they couldn’t do any of these other things. It would just be a world where that’s what you saw around you on TV or when you were out and about, that kind of thing.”

And the room gets really quiet for a while. There’s just a long moment of cognitive dissonance while they wrap their heads around it. The discussion picks up again, but that moment is profound, I think. This is institutional racism. This is White privilege, so ingrained that even children of color often buy into it.

From my perspective, it is counter-productive to talk about White privilege and institutional racism only from the perspective of two or three or four high-profile cases of police shootings. These things are so much more complicated, so deeply embedded in our culture that they cannot be reduced to sound bites from a few news stories. I mean, even I have had to reduce 30 years of teaching into a handful of examples (though they are examples of many similar experiences throughout those years) from one school. And I am only one teacher.

So yeah, I’m okay with all the perspectives getting posted on Facebook, and I hope this was worth contributing. I hope all these contributions add up to no longer denying the existence and significance of White privilege and institutional racism so that we can solve the problems they cause.

Posted in Columbine, Education, Life, the Universe, and Everything, Politics | 3 Comments

How High School Debate Can Save America

I am taking a break from the book I’m working on to write this. Yes, after a two-year hiatus defending public schools in Jeffco, I’m actually back to the book project I was working on with a former student. (Sorry, Danielle—I’ll have to get those markups to you Monday.)

These are potentially divisive times. Well, they are just plain divisive within our country, but I’m writing this in hopes that they need not be as divisive among each other.

There is this form of debate in the world of high school forensics known as Lincoln-Douglas (LD) debate, and it draws upon ideas and skills that would serve us all well. The other term for this kind of debate is “values debate.” You’ll see why as I explain.

Let’s say the resolution (topic) of today’s debate is: The United States should place stronger restrictions upon the Second Amendment.

A student who competes in this area will have to debate both sides. There are usually three preliminary rounds, so they will go affirmative (agree with the resolution) once or twice and negative (disagree with the resolution) once or twice in a combination equaling three—his or her actual opinions notwithstanding. Sides are assigned in the tab room; debaters do not choose. To advance to the fourth round, the debater will most likely have to have won all three rounds, depending upon the number of competitors.

Both debaters must build their cases upon a core value. Common core values in LD include such things as justice, security, freedom, utility (the greatest good for the greatest number), etc. They must defend the supremacy of their value using philosophers like John Locke and John Stuart Mill, as well as reason and logic.

“But these are such vague values!” I hear you cry. Part of their task is to define the value and defend the definition. Another part of their task is to offer a criterion, a way of measuring whether or not the value is achieved. This is done with a combination of philosophy and real world evidence.

Going back to the resolution, it might play out like this: The affirmative offers the core value of safety with the criterion of reasonable protection from accidental or malicious injury or loss of life. After explaining why safety is the ultimate value in this debate and why his criterion is the best measurement, he is going to explain how stronger restrictions on the Second Amendment provide reasonable protection from accidental or malicious injury or loss of life. He’s going to cite gun-related accidents, suicides, and murders using statistics from credible sources, like the FBI, the CDC, etc.

The negative might then offer a different core value, such as freedom. She may use the Bill of Rights as her criterion. After she defends these, she will explain how the entire Bill of Rights is the foundation of freedom in America, and how any encroachment upon it risks all of the freedoms we hold dear. She may go more deeply into the topic by explaining how the right to bear arms prevents the rise of a despotic government.

The debate, which is highly structured and lasts about 45 minutes, will usually involve a clash of core values, where each tries to prove his or her value is of greater importance than the other’s. They will attack each other’s reasoning and evidence, trying to show contradictions in each other’s cases or show evidence from other credible sources that mitigates or negates altogether the other’s sources.

It doesn’t always go exactly like that. Sometimes both debaters offer the same core value. They might even have the same criterion. At that point, the debate will be about which side best protects safety—reasonable protection from accidental or malicious injury or loss of life. Is it gun restrictions that save people from gun-toting murderers, and gun-free homes with lower gun accident, suicide, and fatal domestic-violence rates? Or is it gun freedoms, which allow homeowners to protect their loved ones from intruders and despotic leaders?

You see, a difference in views on a particular issue does not necessarily mean a difference in values. And where there is a difference in values, this does not necessarily indicate a lack of values on the part of one side or the other.

In debate, neither debater is trying to convince the other. They are trying to convince an impartial judge (or three or five judges in an advanced round). That is to say, they are convincing a judge who is not invested in one debater or the other and who has been trained to base the decision solely upon the arguments and evidence presented in the round and the skills of the debaters—the judge’s own opinion on the topic notwithstanding. On the ballot, judges explain the rationale behind the decision. Most judges do a pretty good job of keeping their own views out of the decision.

Ethics are important in debate and are part of the judge’s consideration. It does not behoove a debater to get nasty. There is no reason to get nasty about one’s opponent’s side of the debate because neither debater chose their side. They may or may not actually hold the position they are defending, and each one may never learn what the other actually believes. It doesn’t matter.

Besides, if one’s opponent is cute and funny and smart, one may be wanting to get the other debater’s phone number for when the tournament is over…

Does this sound hard? It is. And remember, the kids doing it are between the ages of 14 and 18, and many of them are AMAZING!

I hope you’ll think about all of this in the weeks and months ahead. Have the hard discussions. Question your own and each other’s positions. Just don’t assume that people who disagree with you have no values or even that their values are different from yours. You might even try stating the values upon which you base your position, and ask other’s for their values. Find the common ground, the humanity in each other. Then we might find truth.



Posted in Education, Life, the Universe, and Everything, Politics | 2 Comments

In Which America Did You Grow Up?

On my way to church this morning, I pulled up behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, “I miss the America I grew up in,” and I found myself nodding and thinking, “Amen to that.”

Then I wondered…did I grow up in the same America as the person in front of me? Do our nostalgic wanderings take us to the same place? If we all want to make America great again, do we all want the same thing?

Through the wide eyes of children, their country is their family and their immediate community. Children seldom realize the diversity of America; they know only that their corner is home. It is what, when they are adults, they will most likely believe America was when they were young.

I grew up singing Bob Dylan and Peter, Paul, and Mary protest songs in two-part harmony with my mother. My family boycotted orange juice for a time because of Anita Bryant’s anti-gay sentiments. I grew up believing that Roe vs. Wade was an important victory for women and hoped the Equal Rights Amendment would further advance that cause. In fact, I met one of my closest, oldest friends defending the ERA to my 9th grade classmates. I was raised to believe that racism was real and an impediment that would one day be removed so that all could share in the prosperity of America, but it would take work. I was raised to believe the world had much work in it for my growing hands.

The America of my youth was my family, my Unitarian church, and my school, which for a time was Open Living School (or “the hippy school,” as I recalled it to my own children). In my childhood, it was understood that “war is not healthy for children and other living things.” Like most people, my parents chose friends who held similar values to theirs, and these adults defined my world. They believed in social justice. They were mostly White, but they adopted Black children, Latino children, and child refugees from Vietnam, and we all played together. Yes, I recall the America in which I grew up with great fondness.

I miss unapologetic feminism. I miss the open acknowledgement of racial inequality coupled with the passionate desire to abolish it. I miss righteous indignation in the face of unjust war (though I don’t miss the draft or the hostility our troops faced when they returned home).

Is that what the person in the car ahead of me longs for?

In a recent Facebook post, I suggested that the phrase “politically correct” doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Likewise, I think perhaps we should ask what making America great again means to each of us. Only when we truly understand what others mean when they speak, only when we acknowledge that we have different roots, but all those roots—seen through the eyes of children—hold home, can we build the bridges our nation so desperately needs.

Posted in Family, Life, the Universe, and Everything, Politics | 2 Comments

Vacation, Visions, and Visits

It’s summer again, and I almost don’t know what to do with myself. For the last two summers, I poured my heart and soul into preserving Jeffco’s public schools. Last fall I spent nearly every weekend fighting the good fight. I told John Ford a month ago that it wouldn’t feel like summer unless I knocked on some doors. Good news, it really is summer, so there are doors in my future.

Back in the fall of 2013 a couple of women from JCEA knocked on my door to ask me to vote for three pro-public school candidates. I felt a moment of guilt. My building association rep had asked us to knock on doors that day, but I was answering my door, so clearly I hadn’t answered that call. The idea of three such extreme candidates as Witt, Newkirk, and Williams winning that election was just inconceivable.

I kept using that word. Turned out it did not mean what I thought it meant.

I will not make that mistake again. JCEA has worked with other Jeffco stakeholders to create a powerful vision for schools our students deserve. I feel really good about it. I would love a district where all voices matter, where all schools are safe and welcoming and where high quality teachers are respected and supported. I hope for a district where students learn more and test less. I want strong public schools as public institutions and strong communities. I want them badly enough to knock on doors a couple of days this summer to talk to my colleagues about how to ensure all of these things.

I never again want to spend day after day going door to door to alert people to a nearly successful assault on our public schools. I want us all to be on the same page, pulling for the same things, alert and aware and able to avert a crisis before it happens because we’ve been talking to each other and our neighbors all along.

The Independence Institute and Americans for Prosperity are not through with Jefferson County. There are millions of dollars going into classrooms instead of the pockets of these institutions and their members, and as long as that is the case, we cannot afford to be complacent. They are quietly publishing their strategies, hoping to correct past mistakes. They know that Jeffco loves its educators, so they are cautioning their members against directly attacking us in their messaging. They still think our kids are pawns, but they caution their members against openly saying so. They are really angry about the alliance that was built between teachers, parents, and other community members. The basic message: Make nice to teachers’ faces, but continue to undermine their ability to act collectively with each other and the community to protect their kids and the integrity of their profession.

JCEA has asked its members to give one day this summer to staying in shape, staying strong for our kids, sharing our vision, refining and more deeply defining it. These are the conversations we love to have with each other anyway—how we can make Jeffco the best place to teach and the best place to learn. These are not going to be the worried conversations of the two years before, but rather hopeful, visionary conversations. Won’t you join in?

First, please welcome those of us knocking on your doors. Second, please give one day of your summer. I really think you’ll find it rejuvenating and exciting. That’s why I signed up for two days! Follow this link to choose a day.


Posted in Education, Life, the Universe, and Everything | Leave a comment


I have said in various ways at various times that one of the things I remember most right after the shootings was an intense desire to talk to someone else who’d been through it—someone from Jonesboro or West Paducah, one of those places no one remembers now because somehow we became the synonym for a school shooting, and those that came before got lost to those not in the club. I wanted to talk to someone ahead of me on the path in the hopes that they could help me believe that I would live, smile, go two minutes without thinking about what happened.

Less than a week after the shootings, I did talk to some folks from Jonesboro on a T.V. show, but they didn’t seem to have any answers. It had been a year for them. I know now how silly it was to think they would have answers yet. I know now how little healing happens in a year.

This is where I am, 17 years later, for what it’s worth. I have since met, face-to-face and online, many others forced on this journey, and I know they appreciate the occasional look at what’s up ahead.

I am always acutely aware of April, from the first to the thirtieth. I am grateful that April is one of those months that hath only thirty days. I don’t dread it anymore. I don’t even remember the last time I did dread it. I don’t feel each day peel away toward the 20th like layers of skin, hardly noticeable at first until spring air starts to scald like acid. That, too, is a long time gone. I just wake up every day knowing it’s April.

I notice when the weather is like that day. It doesn’t hurt. I feel no anxiety. If I go for a walk around the outside of the school during my planning period (which I do all year when the weather’s nice), I walk out the doors I walked out of that day, past the park where we climbed the fence to get away, and I remember all of these things the way one remembers anything, really. Like “Yeah, those are things that happened.” I never walk out in April without remembering them, though.

I’m an avoider. It’s been years since I have been in the building on the anniversary. I take the 20th off. I might be able to teach again, but I cannot sit in that building so quiet waiting for 11:20 to come and go, listening to Frank read the names over the intercom or even just knowing he’s in the library reading them. I think of Rachel, Dan, and Isaiah every single day—not just in April—every day. I’m not necessarily sad; that’s not it. I just remember them. I remember them alive and smiling. I choose not to sit at school and remember how they died. I’m OK with my choice, just as I’m OK with people choosing to be there. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Tomorrow’s a bit of a crap shoot. Some anniversaries are harder than others, but if I keep busy, I do just fine. Really, I do. I get together with people or take on a big cleaning project. I did both last year. Tomorrow I’m having lunch with my stepmom; timed it so I’d be on the highway at 11:20. I’ll be thinking about traffic, not watching the clock.

It’s a long, long way from the first anniversary, when I just wanted to sleep through it—drug myself senseless, go to sleep on April 19 and wake up on the 21st. A long way from the fifth anniversary when I was drunk by 11:30 in the morning. A long way even from the 10th anniversary, when we invited the kids who’d been at school that day to come back: I braced myself for tears and trauma and reopened wounds only to find a commons area full of babies—babies—and smiles and laughter and catching up with “kids” well into their 20’s with careers and families and beautiful beloved faces.

Oh, yes, companions on this path, there can be joy even on that most dreaded day.

You may already be figuring it out. If you’re not there yet, if the anniversary of whatever you went through still devastates you, well, go back at look at the introductory phrase at the beginning of this sentence. You’re just not there yet. You’ll get there.

You’ll get here. It’s not a bad place to be. Ask me again in another 17 years.

Posted in Columbine, Life, the Universe, and Everything | 4 Comments

Resistance is: A) futile B) necessary C) too much effort D) all of the above

I’ve been thinking lately about the shades of gray along the spectrum from answering only to conscience to blind obedience to authority. Sometimes one can obey authority and conscience at the same time, when those in authority are moral, but it seems very often conscience demands more than obedience.

On Netflix the other night, I watched a documentary called Experimenter about Stanley Milgram’s famous Yale experiment where he told experimental subjects they were delivering electrical shocks to a man in a separate room. With each shock, they listened to a fake recording (unbeknownst to them) of the man crying out in pain, begging them to stop because he had a heart condition. Participants did as they were told by the researcher, ignoring the man’s cries and upping the volts; 65 percent of them increased to a point marked “dangerous” on the fake control board. The study has been recreated since with the same results.

I am also reading All But My Life, a memoir by Gerda Weissmann Klein of her persecution and imprisonment in a concentration camp by the Nazis.

And I gave the PARCC test to high school freshmen.

I’m not comparing the acts. Obviously nothing short of genocide is as bad as genocide. I am, however, comparing the process—the manner in which we make our way across the ever-darkening spectrum, leaving conscience behind and venturing into blind obedience at the cost of our own morality.

The state of Colorado and its local school districts spend around $78 million on testing students. In the meantime, the state has short-funded schools around a billion dollars due to something called the “negative factor” (basically paying schools in IOUs). We freeze teacher salaries and create a teacher shortage. I eye my budget and wonder whether I can afford busses for field trips. I put off ordering new books for next year.

The students I have tested are losing two full days of instructional time to the PARCC, and that doesn’t even include all the other tests we give throughout the year. And for what?

The test started at 7:30 a.m.—a time that studies show adolescents are not awake and functioning in top form. Right there, if the test is to show what they can do, we know we won’t be getting accurate results. First, I administered a 110-minute reading/writing test. Next, I gave the kids a 5-minute break, and then quieted them down for another 110-minute test. Until every kid has finished (and some take very close to the whole time), the room must be absolutely silent. The next break was a luxurious 8 minutes, complete with a granola bar because the students would not be eating lunch until after noon.

The whole process is just so unnatural and uncomfortable. Can you imagine a room with 26 tired, hungry 14- to 15-year-olds sitting at desks not designed for computer work, silently staring at tiny Chromebook screens, reading online and clicking boxes or typing for hours on end? If they finish early they try to put their heads on the desk and sleep or maybe read a bit, though they’ve already been reading and clicking interminably. Cell phones have to be surrendered, and homework involving writing—which is pretty much all homework—is forbidden. Around it all is this aura of judgment. “If you don’t do well at this weird task, someone will pay, be it your teachers or your school—someone!” One girl said she knows colleges don’t look at these scores now, “But they’re always changing everything,” she said. “I worry that this will end up hurting me somehow.” Great.

Last year, during the math test, students were required to use an online calculator included with the test. After each question, the mode of the calculator shifted to a default function not aligned to the task in the test. One of our teachers noticed this and brought it to the students’ attention, explaining that they had to reset the function after every question. This innocuous, even sensible instruction ended up invalidating the entire room’s test scores. She wasn’t supposed to help them at all, even though this had no effect other than to counter a flaw in the test design. How many math scores across the state or even the country should have been invalidated by the flaw itself? How many schools looked like their students knew less math than they actually knew, all because of poor design?

And yet, I gave the test. In fact, I volunteered to give the test because I co-teach, so it’s easier for me to miss class than is for most other English teachers. See, not only are the kids being tested losing instructional time, so are the students in all the other classes taught by the teachers proctoring.

What am I complicit in? I know that old argument: Well, someone’s going to have to do it, so it may as well be me. Like Krupps said, “Well, somebody’s going to make those ovens, so it might as well be us.”

The magnitude is not the same, of course, but the process? The logic? How are they different?

I don’t believe in all this testing. I think it is bad for kids, bad for schools, and now that I really reflect upon it, deleterious to my own moral foundation. It’s probably still a fairly light shade of gray on the spectrum, but I don’t know that I find this all that comforting. This complacency is not like me. I mean, just look at how much passive voice is in this blog entry and compare it to my usual writing. That alone says a lot.

Will I refuse to give the test next year? Should I? Should parents take responsibility and opt their kids out? Is this the hill to die on, or do we wait for the powers that be to come to their senses?

How far do we travel across the spectrum before we say, “Stop! No higher voltage. No more damaging tests. Never again will we stand by and watch innocents marched to a place of no return.” Where, exactly, is the line between “not worth the fight” and “fight the good fight”? Do you know?

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A Low-Down Double-Cross

So interesting afternoon at the capital building here in Colorado:

As in much of the rest of the country, Colorado students, parents, and teachers have had more than enough pointless testing. Organizations from all over have been trying to cut back, including trying to take high school testing down to the one test in four years mandated by the federal government. Today, I went to the capital to testify in favor of a bill that, initially, promised to help do just that.

Senate Bill 5 was written to eliminate 9th grade testing. I spoke first (the speech is included below). Several other people, including teachers, spoke about how vital state test results were, for them, to placing students and developing curriculum. I would argue that if you can’t come up with a decent formative assessment for this purpose, you might be somewhat challenged in many other aspects of your career, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

You may recall that 365 days ago (adjusting for Leap Year), I wrote about meeting Senator Tim Neville on lobby day. I said, “He seemed very genuine.” HA!

Here I was, naively waltzing into the capital thinking, “How refreshing, a Democrat (me) and a Republican (him) on the same side. Boy, Washington could learn a thing or two from us.” HA!

Let me take a moment to break away and tell you about two other events colliding. Yesterday was a huge blizzard, which delayed UPS deliveries. Tomorrow, I am hosting a Chicago-themed party as part of a church auction donation. Hang with me—this all comes together. I was supposed to get a shipment of genuine Chicago Italian beef and cheesecake today for tomorrow’s party. I thought the blizzard had delayed the shipments, but then I saw that they had both been checked in, in Commerce City a few miles from Denver, at 2:00 this afternoon, so I made my excuses to my CEA colleagues at the capital in order to get home in case the packages showed up. Beef and cheesecake are quite perishable. They are also, as of typing this at 7:10 p.m., not here.

Apparently soon after I left, after Senator Neville and his colleagues said all kinds of lovely things about me, they amended the freaking bill to give rural districts the option of hiring non-licensed teachers and never allowing them to move beyond probationary status where they would receive due process protection.

What does that have to do with testing? NOTHING! God forbid Neville and his Republican colleagues work with teachers to benefit students. Did I mention that Neville is related by marriage to one of our old board’s nightmare “reformers”?

So now the Colorado Education Association has gone from supporting SB5 to opposing it, and the chance for bipartisan support of kids is out the window.

And I still don’t have most of tomorrow’s dinner for the party.


Greetings members of the Senate Education Committee:

My name is Paula Reed. I have been an English teacher at Columbine High School for nearly 30 years, and for most of those years, I have taught 9th or 10th grade English.

I’d like to tell you about some of my more recent writing instruction. I’d been teaching kids to make arguments following a point-evidence-analysis structure.

They began by researching their topic, then outlined paragraphs. I looked these outlines over after school that day and could see they were struggling with the difference between points, evidence, and analysis. I created a mini-lesson for the next day, outlining a paragraph like a meal. Each course was a “point,” the specific dishes were the “evidence,” and the explanation of why each dish was the best choice was the “analysis.” This helped them understand the distinctions.

Next, they used the outlines to write paragraphs and highlighted each part in different colors: point in one color, evidence in another, analysis in a third. They turned these colorful rough drafts in, and that afternoon, as I read them, I could see exactly what each individual student was thinking as he constructed his argument.

They are ninth graders; sometimes it’s hard for them to keep their focus, and many were combining multiple pieces of evidence, muddying their claim. The very next day, I gave them back their papers and had them draw circles around each of what they intended to be a single, fully developed idea. They wrote to the side one unifying word. Those who could not do this quickly realized they had wandered off the topic. They made corrections, then handed the paragraphs back in.

Again, that very afternoon, I checked their progress. Almost every student was on track. The handful who were struggling got one-on-one instruction the next day while their on-track peers began the next paragraph in what would eventually become a five-paragraph essay.

This kind of instruction, not unlike sports, is comparable to a coach addressing the team at halftime, assessing the team’s progress, dispensing advice, maybe even adjusting strategy. This is what good coaches and teachers do: Deliver exactly the instruction needed so that progress continues uninterrupted.

I have heard it said that not testing students in ninth grade is “like turning the score board off in the 4th quarter.” Actually, pulling students out of class for hours of testing (which we will be doing the week after we get back from spring break) is more like stopping the game in the 4th quarter to have tryouts again. The game is in progress. It is from the players’ actual performance in the game itself that teachers and students get the feedback they need to win.

It’s not as though there is never an endgame. Federal law requires one test in high school, and the ACT this year and SAT next ultimately provide adequate measurements of Colorado’s students. Colleges have trusted these tests for decades. Please, don’t stop the game needlessly. Allow teachers like me to use every minute on the clock to students’ benefit.

Posted in Education, Life, the Universe, and Everything, Politics | 1 Comment